Alternative Sides

I was at a professional association event last night. With my excitement that this was going to be my first Canadian association event, I figured everyone being open and they would not presume my spouse's gender... nor should they care. Well, I was wrong....

This lady had flowing blond hair, she was wearing a tight little number and was quite handsy - this was before she got a martini in her hand (Ed Mirvish was sponsoring the event - how very foo foo). We mingled since she was the first person I met, and then I moved on to meet other people.

After a couple of rounds of chats with people (not drinks which I seldom do), I bump into her and this time she was with a colleague - an equally gorgeous 5'10" red head who was asking pointed questions about "why we moved here" and "how are we finding Toronto compared to NYC".... that was expected and ok by us....

Then the next question... "and what's your wife's name?" I already knew it was about the spouse so I said "it's actually husband and his name is Ed" She said "oh my so sorry" - this was an HR conference so you'd think these people would be more open to these things and not ask these gender specific questions - but she did. An annoying question indeed especially since the point of moving to Toronto is to get away from the presumptiousness of some of our American friends only to find this occurring here as well.... I hoped it was only this one person but then two other ladies in two different occassions asked the same question. Hmm.... was I not gay enough for these people that they continually ask who my wife's name is? I should just respond - her name is Ed - that may shut them up. We've fought high heavens in the States to get the laws change, in this new world we're at where the laws have changed, the people need to catch up...

Guess we'd need another generation for these questions to be wiped off the conversational lexicon...

All long term relationships have lasted that long because they have an "understanding."

What that means to one couple would be very different from another. We're like snowflakes; the couples. We're different because we click in a way that not everyone - family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, people on the street - can always fathom. That is what makes the couple tick.

So when people ask us what is the secret of a long lasting relationship? We don't have a clear answer other than 'communication' and 'you have to work at it everyday.' We continue to learn from each other but we have an understanding.

We understand how one would react to certain issues or scenarios. We know how to push each other buttons whether intentionally or not. We know when its time to back off and when to acquiesce even though sometimes that compromise leans towards one person and not both. Don't think that its a long term relationship, think of it as an adventure that you explore everyday.

So when you see a couple who have been together for more than a decade not hold hands or not talk while at the dinner table, don't judge. They may not be communicating, in your perspective, but they are. A simple look, a nudge, an eyeroll, a twitch, we all have our ways of somatic communication. Whether you like it or not, in time, as a couple you end up having an 'understanding.'

So I've heard this question before - how do I get the spark going or should just be roommates in denial? Its been written its been expounded its been rehashed. But let's try this angle. Why are you so concerned about making sure it sparks when you may need to have a redefinition of what spark really means? What is spark anyway?

Does it mean wild sex? (over it, it can get tiring and messy which I end up cleaning up) Does it sex in every nook and crany of your apartment? (done that already) Does it mean adding another person? (hmmm...) What does it mean to you? Each couple have their own definition as a couple (if they're honest enough to verbalise it) or individually (which we all secretly want to explore). Honesty is the best policy - as our moms say. So blurt it out. Make sure its the right timing otherwise there will be drama to pay.

Once the conversation gets going, then maybe have a discussion on what it means to you now. Our spark has changed when we hit 3 yrs, then 5, 7, 10, 14, 17 yrs! And our conversations never ceases. We talk about it while we're on road trips - there's really nowhere to go (captive audience is key sometimes) and you can only listen to the same Diva songs for so long.

If one wants to try S&M, then try with the small stuff. Don't stick a 9x5 dildo while hanging from the roof with a leather harness. You might end up liking it. If the other decides he'd rather read instead of the usual evening tumble, then maybe you take a breather and see how that feels. (ok that would be boring to me but some guys like that).

Our suggestion? Be safe but try things out. Explore. Enjoy. And if it doesn't work, there are a million other opportunities, positions, locations, solvents and lubes. Don't be a stick in the mud. Maybe that new spark is already brewing and you just didn't know how to ignite it.

Have you voted yet? Its free. Be a part of history. The New Seven Wonders of the World. Coming from New York we of course voted for the Statue of Liberty because not only does it represent Liberty from oppression but also liberty to be a diverse culture. It happens to be in the United States but that shouldn't deter someone from voting for it because of its location but vote for it because of what it represents. We all want to have equality and this is one way to tell future generations that we voice our belief that all humans are meant to be equal. As Canadian Ambassadors for the New Wonders of the World, please use our Ambassador number 777202 when you vote. (and you don't have to be Canadian to use this code)

Experience the wonders of the world by visiting them yourself. Check out rates today. We've created this quick portal for you.

There will always be something that is only yours, his, and you both owned. During our decades of being together we've seen dramas and exhaustive platitudes about the beauty of cohabitive financial bliss - yeah right. We've tried separate accounts and combined accounts but realized that we have our own earnings so why not have our own accounts and have a combined one that pays for everything that we both need to pay for together like rent, insurance, retirement funds, etc. We then have our own allowance that we call play money which we then use for whatever we please - buying each other gifts, buying ourselves shoes, savings for our own personal needs (in my case an iPhone). Does this financial strategy works for everyone? NO! You have to do what is comfortable. If you are in the relationship for money, then be honest to yourself about it. If you are in the relationship for love and you have no problem losing your shirt in the process (if you happen to not realize you were blindsided by the other person and took all your money) then conjoin your finances at the hip. If you end up with someone who was honest and true and money is secondary to having a life together, then you can play with various modes - separate, combined, or whatever other configuration you can think of.

The point we're making is this - when it comes to money, don't be an ostrich and get your head off the sand and see where you're headed. Together you can make the financial decisions and strategies work much more effectively than not talking about it. BUT talking about it too much is also going to end up looking like that's the only thing you focus on in the relationship. BALANCE and TIMING are important when money discussions are involved.

It's Valentine's Day, make sure when you splurge, you do so for the right reasons.

When there is plausible deniability people would be more open to you. Why is that? When in the form of a joke, people would say anything. When its an array of serious issues but spoken with a whisper then people don't have issues babbling their head off.

I've spoken with wives of classmates from high school today who were very quick to tell me their life stories in the guise of plausible deniability. Interesting how one's ability to share when shrouded can be revealing at the same time.

And when you're gay, you are 'in' and able to chat freely without fear of reprisal from the macho images. Amazing eh?

The many blessings of being gay! Happy Chinese New Year!

Definitely translatable into I want you now, you pig!, You're a bastard, You are my sex slave, I want you now!, Eat my [fill in body part] you pig [fill expletive].

To everyone else, Gung Hay Fat Choi!

There always seems to be a comparison going on whenever we talk to people we'd like to be friends with. They compare jobs, (some have the balls to even ask about salaries!), background, experience, academic excellence, skills, competencies, blah blah blah... seems like we're being interviewed (in a nice way but an interview nonetheless).

What's up with that?

The other day we met a new couple - a straight one actually - and the wife had rapid questions from give me your business card (to see where we're at in life to saying "your card says Partner, does that mean there's more than one Partner in your company?") Oh whatever. She ain't going to be a friend. The only reason we even bothered to chat was because her husband was a high school classmate of mine - not even a friend, just happened to be in the same batch - and we've reconnected through another classmate (this one a closer friend).

So we ask again, What's up with that?

Can we just talk about the weather or the value of friendship rather than the acquisitions we have? The obsession to money, property, power annoys us as we get older. Does it happen to you as well?

Three testicles... three manpurses... three nipples... three computers.... interesting this triad concept because it can connote something forbidden like a love triangle or a triage. The point is that its all about perspective.

I for one like threes... makes it more interesting...

So when I was asked about where I will be on 03/03 I said we'll take three sex club stops prior to arriving at 3 pm on 3rd street in NYC. It'll be a fun trip ....